How To Be Honest With Yourself And With Others

How To Become Honest And Trustworthy

Honesty is one of the most powerful virtues, yet it can be one of the hardest to practice—especially when it comes to being truthful with ourselves. It’s easy to convince ourselves of half-truths or avoid facing uncomfortable realities, but true personal growth begins when we embrace honesty as a guiding principle.

As these powerful truth quotes remind us, facing the truth, even when it’s difficult, is the first step toward genuine self-improvement. Being honest with yourself is the foundation for a more authentic, fulfilling life, while being honest with others strengthens trust and deepens relationships.

Self-honesty requires introspection and courage. It means acknowledging your thoughts, feelings, and actions without judgment and being willing to face your weaknesses as well as your strengths. It’s not about perfection but about living in alignment with your true self.

When you’re honest with yourself, you gain clarity about your values, goals, and the changes you need to make to lead a more purposeful life. Being honest with others is equally important. It involves clear communication, openness, and respect, even when the truth is difficult to share.

Honesty fosters trust, a vital ingredient in any meaningful relationship, and helps avoid misunderstandings and unnecessary conflicts. By embracing honesty in all aspects of life, you pave the way for stronger connections and a more genuine existence.

Why we can’t be honest with ourselves and others

There are many reasons why we aren’t open and honest with our partner or ourselves.  Here are a few:

“I can’t be that honest.”

“I can’t tell the whole truth.”

“I don’t want to hurt their feelings.”

“It would change everything.”

“I’m scared of what will happen.”

“I’m scared of what others will say.”

Your reason might not be on this list, but that doesn’t matter. What does matters is why you haven’t been able to be open and honest with your partner or yourself. However, psychologically there are many reasons why we aren’t honest with ourselves and others. Here are a few reasons.

1. Secrets and lies.

There might be too many times when you haven’t told the truth, and it would cause too many problems for you to start telling the truth now. An example of this is infidelity. If you said the truth, your relationship could end. If you did mention the truth, and it didn’t end, then trust has to be built.

With trust have to have honesty, which means changing your attitude and behaviour towards yourself and your partner about being honest about your feelings. If there are secrets and lies, then why are you hiding them?  What do you feel the reason is holding you back telling your partner how you feel?

If you were honest in the first place, how different would things have been with your partner? Would it mean the end of the relationship or the start of something different in your relationship?

John Gottman who has researched couples for many years found that in focus groups of couples from all over the US, trust and betrayal were the most critical issues raised by couples.

2. Being honest causes me too much pain.

The pain and hurt we feel are usually from our past experiences of being honest that expose our vulnerability. We may have told the truth and been fair in the past, but others have not taken us seriously or have said we are lying or punish us for being too honest. We feel ashamed of being honest with others and ourselves and guilty for what we have said.

We might even think that we could cause that same pain to others if we are honest with them. So we avoid telling anyone our honest opinion.  But what if we don’t want to feel that pain of feeling vulnerable anymore? What if we’re going to challenge how others see us?

Would the hurt and pain be more significant if we kept quiet about how we feel?  If so, how long could you last if you weren’t honest? Sometimes we just want a quiet life, so we keep quiet as the pain and hurt we feel either way is just too much and keeping quiet becomes the most comfortable option.

3. Being honest will change everything.

Being honest with yourself or your partner can be liberating. It will change how you see yourself and change how you look at your relationship with your partner.  However, if you aren’t honest with yourself or your partner, can you remain where you are without being honest?

If you do honestly say how you feel, things and situations will change. If you’re open with your partner, and they are honest with themselves, your circumstances will change. Being honest can change things for the better, as long as you are willing to be open about that change.

There is also the fear of making the wrong decision.  We can hold back on being honest because we fear we might make the wrong decision. Being honest with yourself isn’t about being right or wrong, it’s about how you feel and whether you can continue not being authentic to yourself.

How Can You Become More Honest?

1. Being honest with yourself and your intentions

To be honest with someone else, you need to know yourself first of all.  You need to be honest about what you want and what your plans are when you are honest with others.  The people around us often influence us. Our family, friends and even society say we “should” do things in a certain way.

It’s important to differentiate ourselves from the negative influences around us that don’t reflect who we are as a person and what we want out of life or love. Think about where and when these voices have turned into facts.

If you are influenced by these voices, being honest doesn’t mean you have to blame yourself or others. It’s not about being cruel; it’s about being compassionate with yourself and your intention. Once you know what you want, then align your actions with what you desire.

If you aren’t sure what your intentions are, then write your thoughts down.  Get them down on paper, so you have a clearer idea of what you are honest about and what your intentions are towards yourself, your partner and your life.

2. Making your words match your actions

If you see yourself saying one thing and doing another, then you need to consider whether your words are matching your actions.  If you say “I love you” but your efforts are to pull away from your partner when they want to get close to you or you make excuses about getting close, then are you being genuine to yourself or them?

When relating to your partner, it’s essential to act with integrity.  Match the words with your actions.  If you say you love your partner, then you need to engage in behaviours that match those words of being in love: making time for them, spending time together and showing them you love them.

Show your feelings and not just in words but through your body language and the connection you feel towards them.  So match your actions with the words you honestly think.

3. Be sincere with your responses

Most of the time we wish our relationship could be warm and loving, but there are times when our partner gets on our nerves. Responding to what they say or do, can be a challenge.  We might hook onto the negative aspects of how they make us feel and react by being cruel or hurtful back to them. These reactions might be because we are feeling vulnerable or angry.

This is when we need to be honest with ourselves and our partner.  Tell them how their behaviour or actions is making you feel unsafe or angry.  For example, “When you stay late at work I miss you terribly” or “I feel less attracted to you when you try to control what we do together or when you act tough”.

Being honest with such direct statements can feel uncomfortable, but they might be how you are feeling and explain why you might be behaving the way you do towards your partner.

Being open in this way can lead to more closeness and intimacy, as you describe how you feel towards your partner and what you both can do about it.

4. Be open to feedback

As we become more open and honest with our partner, we have to be open with honesty when it comes back to us. We should always be willing to listen to what our partner has to say and see it from their point of view. It’s important not to get defensive, punish or argue with every detail they talk about to you.

We also shouldn’t try to manipulate them by becoming the victim of their criticism and emotionally blackmail them into softening their words, as this may make them deceive us in the future by not being honest. Instead, listen to what they are saying about you and find those kernels of truth that relate to you.

Being able to have a partner who can be honest with you, will create a healthy mature relationship, one where you both can be honest with each other.

5. Accept your partner as a separate person

However close we might feel together with our partner, we need to acknowledge we are two different people with different minds. We might think we know what our partner is thinking or feeling, but that puts our perspective on who we think they are.  They will have their views of doing something, and it might not be the way you want them to be.

The more we accept the reality that they can be different to us, and have a different perspective of the world around them, the easier it will become to take them for who they are and not who we want them to be. We can then stop pretending to try and mould our partner into someone else.

By letting go of them and allowing them to be who they are, we can then be more open and honest with each other. We can then support the things we want to do individually and together that create meaning in our lives.

Compromising can create a space where you both can be yourselves, creating a willingness to be faithful to yourselves, even when it gets uncomfortable.  Ultimately, it can help build trust in your relationship where there might have been doubting.

It can also help you trust each other and want you both desire despite your differences.  It’s even letting go of the fantasy you might have had in your mind about how you should lead your life. It’s about choosing who we want to be.

Being honest can free you from your past, creating a future that is open, honest and authentic in knowing that you can love each other in a way that’s best for both of you.